Do you ever know that feeling of secure, safe and comfort, having someone on a day-to-day basis that talks to you, free from trust issues, and knows you inside out and very much non-judgemental?
What if the feeling becomes your basic need, a part of your biological cycle to feel at ease in living ?
…and then let’s twist the question :
What if, your best-friend-forever is actually not a true confidante ?
We’ve been friends for years, she nearly knows all and each of my life turning point, in the ups and downs and everything else, and not once when you thought she would’ve judge you, let alone criticize your flaws, ended up accepting you as a whole package.
Until one day, she put a distance, no more morning texts, no more phone calls, replied my direct messages only with short-ended answers, and seems to be more engaging in group talks than our usual private convo.
Moreover, she made me wonder for weeks, what is she been up to that made her too busy to meet up? Or did I was being obnoxious? Not long afterwards, she came back being available again after successfully shifting my thoughts about our friendship. The boat of trust begins to deteriorate.
She changed. her topic preferences changed. More talks about branded clothing, pompous make-ups etcetera, which I find it difficult to match with. In the old days we used to discern only for books, nostalgic memories and our family matters.
As if it wasn’t shady enough,she started saying things about our other friend’s unflattering sides and claim it to be a heartfelt honesty she needed to scrub, when she could’ve just speak up to the person directly. And then another vague distance drifted us apart again.
And now the bell rings. The epiphany. Your trusted buddy is not truthfully honest to you.
What makes the world crumbled down is when you realised the fact that she didn’t bother to criticized you is for the sole reason ; she just don’t want to be bothered in taking the risk of conflict as an effect.
With less empathy, some people feel bored and wanted free entertainment for themselves. Some even occasionally share it to someone else despite if it is other people’s privacy, for the sake of pure fun and amusement. This cruelty often comes in a form of gossip.
There are things between two mature people who knows and respects each other, when-and-why not to disclose some information to other people. We can’t possibly warned the other party that it is a secret at all times. There are unwritten codes and etiquettes.
Alas,that security you always had, was a shabby gift with nice wrappings. A fakery.
So what do you do? Do you caved in? Or do you ignore it because you want to keep clinging and it’s hard to say goodbye to a long-time friend that you used to confide in.
The late-night texting jokes, the figure that made you feel understood, had simply died. You just fell into that deep abyss, leaving years of friendship tarnished by broken trust that you wish didn’t happen.
Will you count on anyone ever again?
Confronting can be very tricky, yet useless when you realized it is your best friend trait, not a mistake.
Your feelings are biased when accepting unpleasant reality. Denial and anxiety can certainly arrived sooner as the uninvited participants for the moment.
Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and the author of a best-selling book The Dance of Fear said on her article at Psychology today,
“Overfocusing on what others are doing wrong, and getting reactive about it, is a common, automatic anxiety response.”
It was never about any decision to be made. Instead, all you need is to steer clear from any deep secrets you need to share on certain level to her. Put your level of trust just on the surface. No need to declare a war. Also there is not necessary to fuel your anxiety by ruminating her flaws. Life is evolving and so does friendships. You grew knowing better, sensing better and this is part of it. The more you know, the more you are grounded and realize the people that deserved to acknowledge your story.
Instead of deprecating your friend spineless behavior, it is time that you love and learned more about who you are mindfully.
Trust yourself, the rest will drawn to you magnetically. When self-esteem rises, your conscious will guide you to be open to new friendships.
Author: Fraya
A writer and entrepreneur with profound interest in humankind research and insights. An avid coffee drinker and book hoarder. Hours and days spent in Jakarta.